During these auspicious times of profound awakening, things can seem a bit horrific at times…as more and more of what was hidden becomes visible. One can of course keep trying to look the other way, and often succeed, but there will inevitably come a time when an ‘elephant’ will pay a visit and demand attention.
Back in the spring of 2018, I was forced to slow down. I’d had a fall and the resulting concussion required that I stop everything and rest and heal. (I did my best, but…I’m not really made that way.) Let’s just say I was moving more slowly than usual, while still managing to keep myself occupied with plans and preparations to move to a new apartment. During these times I did a lot of thinking…too much thinking, which sometimes resulted in a spin down, down, down…into deeper depths of the psyche, and I’d become exhausted from the mental and emotional pressure.
Life seemed a bit mechanical back then: sleep late, have breakfast, go for long walk, rest…sort/pack…have lunch…nap…sort/pack…rest…housework, go to bed. Through it all, the brain injury offered tiredness, weepiness… and a desire to be alone – though that’s not the best idea for long periods of time, because of the tendency to start believing the mind. For me, all the ancestral patterns about not being wanted, not belonging, and not being liked…all things like that, would have me believing I should just give up and go away.
The last time I found myself swept up in a tidal wave of false beliefs, during the surprised hiatus so to speak, I was suddenly reminded of what was truly going on: A few years back I’d spoken with John about a not-so-supportive living arrangement I was entangled in. He asked me why I’d moved to that particular house in the first place, using the analogy of an “elephant in your room”. I didn’t understand it at the time, but later clearly saw that the elephant was an aspect of me that really wanted to get my attention. When I finally understood John’s reference, issues began to surface in great abundance, issues that had informed me to run to the ‘back exit’…pack my bags and head off to somewhere else. (What I’ve since learned is: there’s no such place.)
As I type these words, I’m aware of great gratitude that I am still here in Edmonton with John and an awesome community. If I could measure all the changes that have transpired because of my life with John…beginning with a good long look at my old, patterned life that was heading nowhere…and my current life that is full and rich in all the ways that matter…I believe I would be astounded at the result.
The elephant is no longer in my room, by the way. I’m continuing to move through the many thresholds related to a long-gone past, rather than letting them pile up and control my life (and the dear ‘elephant’ is back in her natural habitat).